Coping with Loss and Family Life Abroad

In a lot of ways this is probably something I should have written about when the Witt family came out to Doha last January for a visit. There have been a lot of highs and lows from moving abroad as it relates to my family. This week the last of my living grandparents passed away and have been forced to go through the grieving process 9,000 miles away from family. While this has been difficult it has also made me reflect on how lucky I am to have the support of my family.

When I first decided that I would move to Doha it was a shock for my parents. Even though we had been talking about it for quite some time, when I made the decision it was not easy for them. In particular my mom struggled a lot with me living so far away. Is it safe? How can we communicate? Will you ever come home? Will you go off and get married there never to return?! We spent weeks and weeks in constant conversation (and sometimes battles) about me moving to Doha. Even after the move took place when I returned home there was hostility about me leaving the family. It made the move stressful and although the concerns were coming from a place or care, it made me feel a lack of support.

I say all of this to lay the context for the reality. The reality is in many ways my time abroad has brought me and my family closer together. We Skype every Sunday to catch up about what happened that week, something we didn’t do when I was living in DC. I have cherished the times I have gone home and because our time is short we make the most of it. We have shared experiences, like their visit in January for us to experience a new culture together. And as a whole I feel like we have a closer understanding and appreciation of each other than ever before.

And this brings us to the loss of my grandmother, Dorothy Witt. At 92 years old it is easy to say that she lived a full life. And her passing was not a surprise for the family as her health has deteriorated considerably over the last few years. But one of my most difficult moments of living abroad has been this, and not being able to be there with my family. Although life abroad may seem like it is one big adventure and endless opportunity, there are plenty of moments where you stop and think…is this selfish? Am I doing the right thing? What are my priorities? What should they be?

This week has been a big reality to check to make sure you spend more time with the ones you love. And to not take that time for granted (I know this is cliché). The reality is while I have been abroad I have choices. Do I go home for holidays? Or travel? Do I Skype with Mom and Dad on Sunday or go out with friends? Do I keep in touch with those back home? Or make excuses for being “too busy”? A commitment I have made for this year is to get home more often, spend more time with family, and re-connect with those I may have lost touch with. While my grandmother’s passing has been humbling I also want to be able to celebrate her for the great life she led. I wrote a short note to her that will be read at her wake in my absence that I will include here. Living abroad is full of difficult decisions and I can only hope to make the right ones in the future.

Grandma-

I have been incredibly blessed to have you as part of my life for these 26 years. You have inspired me in my ways. You have taught me about the importance of family, about the importance of love, and how to live life to its fullest. That is something I will always remember about you and Pa. You found the joy in each day, and never let anything keep you down. Even as you got older you had a spirit that could not be broken. Your quick "witt" (get it?) and sassy comments always brought a smile to our family. Your body may have been weak but your mind was always sharp. 

You approached life with a sense of humor and a sense of wonder. I will always remember the amazing support that you and Pa were for the family as we grew up. And as you grew old I will always cherish our conversations about your childhood, raising your three crazy boys, but most importantly of the adventures you and Pa shared. I am so thankful for the time we spent together and wish that I could be there today. Even though I am 9,000 miles away I am thinking about you and know you are even closer to me now. Although this is a sad time, we take comfort in you being in a better place. So let's celebrate the incredible woman that was Dorothy Witt. And do us all a favor...say hi to Pa for us. We miss him too!

With Love,

Evan

What I have learned from long distance...

This post really goes hand in hand with Kristal moving to Doha. Never did I think that I would be one for a long distance relationship. Plenty of fish in the sea, why date long distance?! But after last summer’s 8 Day First Date I found myself in the midst of a long distance relationship that covered 9,000 miles and 24 hours of flying. While I am SO thankful it’s over, I do think it taught me a lot. So here’s some random thoughts about long distance relationships as a whole.

They’re awful. That truly is my first thought about them. They get so romanticized mostly from movies, or pinterest, and definitely Buzzfeed. But the reality is that they are incredibly difficult. They are not heroic. They should not be a bucket list item. It should not be something you strive to do. There is definitely a silver lining to them, which I will get to in a bit. But I need everyone to know…they suck.

A big part of being in a long distance relationship is learning to treat others how they want to be treated. Long distance tests you in a lot of ways and people operate differently in them. For example it took Kristal and I a while to figure out the whole communication thing. Saying “Good morning” and “Good night” to me was HUGE, for her it was no big deal. Communicating during the day for me often slipped my mind but the little check ins meant the world to her. So you are taught that just because you think something is important doesn’t necessarily mean the other person knows that. You are taught to figure out the needs of someone else thousands of miles away and find a way to meet them. This is no small feat.

On the topic of communication, this might be the biggest thing it teaches you. When you are in person you can pick up on someone’s body language or you are around them all the time so you can tell if there is something wrong. When it’s long distance you can go weeks hiding behind Skype calls, whatsapp messages, or emails. If something is on your mind you need to say it. No matter how big or small it is. This can be challenging at times because it can feel like there’s just alwaysss something. But it makes for a more open, honest, and trusting relationship. I really feel this is needed for any relationship but is absolutely vital in long distance.

And now for the silver lining! If I had a dating resume, the 15 month long distance relationship would be right at the top of it!!! Now that it’s all over, I am actually incredibly proud of it. It was one of the most difficult things I have done, I don’t want to do it again, but gosh was it something to brag about. I have a profound and new found respect for those that are in and out of long distance frequently, especially those in the armed forces. It has built character, has given a great foundation to our relationship, and pushed us in more ways than we would like to recall. Now we can look back laugh and say “That wasn’t so bad!” Fully knowing in the moment it felt like it would never end.

All in all I wouldn’t trade a single day of the long distance now that we are finally together. All seems worth it after having been to our witt’s end (haha) and back. Looking forward to the start of “normal” with Kristal here in Doha and we are both cheerleaders for anyone in long distance now!!!

Reflections on Two Years in Doha

On September 1 I celebrated the second anniversary of my arrival here in Doha. I would be cliché and say “Time has just flown by!” but I feel that wouldn’t be giving justice to the experience. Instead I will say “And I am still just figuring things out.” I feel like this is a more accurate statement for a few reasons. Mostly because as much as I have learned while I have been here, I haven’t actually figured much out. Mostly because you can’t. Life here has some many layers in a great way but also can be quiet confusing. Last year to celebrate my one year anniversary in Qatar I wrote a Thank You note to Doha. This year I want to give you a few of the lessons and reflections I think I have gotten so far.

Patience

If nothing else Doha has taught me this. As someone who is very action orientated and wants to see change enacted quickly Doha has taught me to slow down. Change is both incremental here and simultaneously instant. Quick decisions may be implemented overnight or you may have circular conversations for months without impact. I often have had to take deep breaths, trust in the process, and live with the fact that things will happen when they have to…and not a moment before.

Resiliency

When we were recruiting some new staff members for HBKU last year I would often be asked “What will help me be successful there?” The number 1 thing I always said is “Be Resilient”. Qatar will challenge you. Things rarely go according to plan. You might not always agree with what is happening around you. But if you are resilient, can overcome adversity, and maintain a positive attitude it will not get the best of you. Too often I meet expats in Doha who are bitter, resentful, and have given up. I think resiliency goes a long way and makes for a positive Doha experience.

Shades of Gray

Before coming to Qatar my worldview was often black and white. There was a right way and a wrong way. Having been here I have a better understanding (still learning this) that there are an infinite amount of ways to do things and to look at things. Another favorite phrase is that “It’s not better, it’s not worse, it’s just different.” So often we think that our way of doing things or perceiving things is best but this rarely is the case especially in such a diverse society.

Entitlement and Humility

Qatar is an extremely entitled place. One advertisement campaign captures it best, “Qatar Deserves the Best.” While some may say this is true, I would push back and say that no one deserves the best. Human nature is that entitlement is developed quickly. And it is amazing to see people move to Doha and within months of arrival they begin to expect the 5 star lifestyle. The 2 bedroom apartment isn’t good enough and they need a 4 bedroom villa. The used car can’t be trusted and they need a shiny new ride. Qatar has taught me to appreciate all the small luxuries in life and to never lose your humility. It is a privilege to live in Qatar in many ways and we must not lose sight of that.

We are not all the same

This is one I have been wrestling with recently. In the diverse world we live in we cannot minimize differences. When meeting people from different backgrounds we often look for places of commonality, which is a great start. But we can’t dismiss those core differences and say “Well look at that! We’re from worlds apart but are basically the same!” Yes, humans have similar needs. They can have shared language. Shared customs. But at the end of the day it is the differences that make us unique. We cannot treat people all the same and we must take the time to understand these differences in a deeper way. This takes an incredible amount of time and effort. Something I am working towards but have long ways to go.

On being a lucky duck

I am still incredibly humbled to think of what a privilege it is to live in Doha. I feel like a broken record when I say that I have been exposed to more “Once in a Lifetime” opportunities than I could have imagined in a lifetime. For all its challenges, frustrations, and drawbacks Qatar is an amazing place. I feel so lucky to call this home and upon completing two years I am looking forward to the next two. When I first arrived in Doha I figured I would work for 1-2 years and re-evaluate if it made sense to stay. At the end of my two years I can say confidently I am still only getting started and can’t wait to see what the next two bring!

As you can imagine there is plenty more where that came from but that’s at least a snapshot. Looking forward to another amazing year ahead!!! For the upcoming year I am going to try to do a better job of posting interesting happenings from Doha and life here as opposed to just doing travel and life updates. Sometimes those are the same but we’ll see how it goes! Thanks for those keeping up with the adventure so far…more to come!

Kristal Moves to Doha

This blog has basically served as a highlight reel from my time here in Doha. And while there have been quite a few to date, nothing can compare to Kristal’s arrival here in Doha. After 15 months of dating long distance we were more than ready for the whole thing to be over. It was a long and painful process getting her to Doha and our patience was definitely tested multiple times but in the end it has all been worth it.

Kristal was lucky enough to get a job working at Northwestern University in Qatar as their International Student Experience Coordinator. The job has a lot of elements to it including working with International Student visas, resident permits, and involvements. She will also oversee their Service Learning Area and then the classic “duties as assigned”. This year she will be taking NUQ students on several international trips that span from the US, to Oman, to the UAE, and locations to be named!

With Kristal arriving in Doha quite a lot has changed. We have had so much for just being  “normal” and running errands, or grabbing dinner after work, or catching up with friends. It has really put a whole new lease on life here in Doha and approaching our second week we don’t hate each other yet!

Kristal is living in a gorgeous two bedroom flat about 20 minutes from where she is working. That means there is a spare bedroom for visitors!!! So consider it an open invitation to come out and visit us!!!

More updates from us in the upcoming months but for now we’re enjoying settling in and giving Kristal the tour of Doha!!!